What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? What do you see when you look at those around you ? What do you see when you gaze upon the world?
I have always been a fan of my face. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blowing my own horn here or anything. I am not breath taking and you wouldn’t stop to admire me on a train full of people. To be honest you probably wouldn’t even notice me there in the first place. Not that I mind really, most if the time I like hiding in the back ground where no one can see me. I learn a lot about those around me that way. I have body and image issues just like anyone else. When I was a little girl in grade 1 boys used to run up to me calling me, “Cochina!” which means pig, making the faces and expressions that went along with it. I was quite chubby, (a small buffalo really), but it still affects a kids self esteem. Plus I had this one frienemy at the time who was a thousand times skinnier than I was and who never let me forget it. Then, after leaving those childhood bullies in the past, at 11 I was perfectly happy with my buffalo sized body. I didn’t even realize I was the size of a small buffalo until I went to a very rude doctor with my mother who literally gasped when he saw the number on the scale I was standing on. After that, I hated my body, everything about it.The lumpy soft flesh that just inprisoned me. I started thinking that maybe people would like me more if I was skinny, maybe I would make some friends. And at 14, I stopped eating. I must have lost close to 70 pounds, and I looked like a skeleton. My mother fought with me daily to get me to eat something, I would just say I wasn’t hungry. I was fat as far as I could see, eating wouldn’t help. Toward the end of it I started getting sick, having dizzy spells, passing out. My mother took me to the doctor and they told me that I was basically starving and needed to eat. I was lucky that I was able to snap out of it but there are still times when I look in the mirror and all I see is lumpy flesh. Times where I consider not eating that day. Times where I actually skip meals when I am feeling bad enough about myself. I’m no longer what is considered, “over weight”. I am still big boned though, and I’ll probably never be one of those girls who can fit in a size six and comfortably wear a bikini to the beach. I try to be kind to myself though, try to see what I really look like in the mirror rather than what I imagine I look like. I’m writing all of this because this is one of those times I’m having trouble seeing the things about myself that make me beautiful in my own unique way. I feel lumpy, and bleh, but I’m still me. And that’s ok. You can’t dance in the sunshine without dancing inn the rain first.